So, if you are reading this blog, then we are more than likely great friends and you know the story! Brace yourself....it's a long one today!
Since about the time Brady was about 8 mths old, we have been trying to add to our family! A month before his 1st birthday we lost our second baby in a miscarriage, and then in November again, we lost another precious baby. It was a pretty lonely and sad time for our little family. I struggled, not because I didn't trust Gods perfect plan, but because we so desired another child. My first nephew Benjamin Drew was born 12 days after our last miscarriage and he couldn't have arrived at a better time! God is so good to distract us from our self pity some times and this boy did just that! He helped my healing process move along...how anyone could hold him and still be distraught is beyond me.. but then after a few more months of trying, that sadness re-birthed itself. I hadn't had any problem conceiving...well, ever!! So this was new to me.
2007 was a year of no pregnancies...the first time since my first pregnancy with Jaden in 2002 and since getting married in 2004. This bewildered Rex and I...we were prepared for miscarriages(as awful as that sounds, it was true)..but we were not prepared to be barren for over a year...That was totally weird and to be completely honest devastating! You really learn how little control you have over you own life after 3 miscarriages and 1 1/2 years of infertility..and that is a comfort to me! To know that the timing of our children is one less thing I can control (I say that as if I really have much to do with Gods sovereignty...make sense??) and again, if you know me you'll know I love to be in control! That is now a big comfort to me though, to know that the number of children and the way they are delivered to our family is determined by God! So, if we are in the same circle of friends/family you will know that a lot of ladies are pregnant...my sweet nephew Benji will be a big brother in late August/early Sept. and our cousin Trixie is expecting her first baby in early August!! Not to mention the bajillion (slight exaggeration!!) ladies/girlfriends who are also pregnant!!! I am at a place...TODAY were I am so excited for all of these wonderful ladies...so excited and I rejoice with them!
We do not own a TV(by choice..we've had a couple of friends offer us a TV lately!!) so we read the news on the Internet, and the other day I thought I'd catch up on the election and politics..well, there was a horrific article about a mother who drowned her three children (ages 18mths,4 and 6) AND she had been visited several times by the Department of Social Services (this is my recollection.. so maybe check it out to make sure!) Anyway, the article referred to Andrea Yates drowning her 5 children in 2001. Now, when this happened I was in high school, so while this story was clearly devastating, it hadn't penetrated and hit home..
I clicked on the link, because I knew the name but couldn't recall what she had done. I started to read this article and it had her "testimony" during her debriefing after being taken into custody. It gave her entire account of her morning from eating cereal with her children, sending her husband off to work to the very methods and specific details to murdering her children. It literally made me sick. I was sobbing and it just made me sick to my stomach. Andy came in to check on me and I told him what I had just read. I couldn't wait for the computer to follow instructions, so I quickly pushed the blue button and it turned off. I was some how repulsed by the computer too?! I immediately felt compelled to go pray over my precious sons and thank God for entrusting them to us. I also asked God for forgiveness for all the different emotions (spured from past depression) I have displayed in front of my children (whether it was being short/impatient or grumpy with the boys, staying in jammies all day, eating frosting for the can as a meal, or watching movie after movies after movie...this was more before Brady was born after our first loss). As terribly awful and horrific as the events of that day was, it opened my eyes to Gods grace(yet again!) I realized as I read about Andrea (who was a professed believer, who home schooled her children, was active in her church and she also suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to their 6mth old Mary) that maybe she did love her children immensely at one point and she was overcome by this PPD and Satin just just slowly turned her heart and she became that woman because she had turned her hope into hopelessness..does that make sense?!(this is simply my perspective and opinion...not trying to speak for anyone at all!!)
That hit home and penetrated my heart. Here was a gal who tried to manage her home, her family, her homeschooling and her PPD....and I could semi relate (SEMI to the sadness overwhelming you and changing you/personality). After each miscarriage, my heart ached, because that is one child we will never get to hold or play with, one child who won't get to rough house with our other children, one child that we will never(on earth) get to see their personality and character and one that you we had in your life for 13 weeks in my womb. With our miscarriages, I would cry, gather myself then take my baby and myself to the ER for ultrasounds and my RhoGAM (I'm O-neg blood type). It is a very impersonal and unemotional event...and painful. Then you come home still in pain and sad. I tend to be one to let that sadness take over me.
This is tricky to write out..I feel for me personally, my depression after losing each baby was a choice. I mourned and cried , and Rex and I struggled, but then (I feel) I also let Satin use that and it would start to linger. I thought about how much Andrea could have at one point loved her children. I thought about how I don't want to give Satin a foot hold in my life (depression) and that is an easy one for him to use. He can use our sorrow and turn it into depression and start to twist our minds and play games..he can make us doubt ourselves as women, mothers, wives, teachers, friends, etc...and in doubting ourselves and becoming depressed, (speaking for myself here!) I am not trusting God, that His plan for my life is perfect and that He will/can carry me through this pain. That he has entrusted these precious TWO children to us, that he WILL equip me daily with the knowledge to home school and with the patience to be loving with my responses to my sweet little boys. I really feel like by me being upset or jealous over these fellow sisters having babies, I am robbing myself of the joy I can be sharing in their pregnancies. I can/have been praying about this and God is comforting me and teaching me to choose joy and not self pity. I can choose to be joyful and not depressed. This doesn't mean I won't still mourn that right now I can't have a baby, I'm still sad. But I won't let it consume me. I will choose to be grateful, content and joyful for the two boys and amazing and supportive husband I have!
So while I know this was somewhat a morbid topic, I hope you find joy and comfort in it knowing that God is perfect and His plan is perfect for each person and each family....and while it isn't the one that you or I had in mind, it is wonderful knowing that anything you or I can do, He can do better:) ...trying to be cute there, but really, find comfort in knowing that we are not in control...another positive thinking moment (from Rex!) now if we do get pregnant, it will be a true surprise!
Whew that was draining! Ladies, pllease know, that I am not speaking for anyone except myself and Rex when I said I feel I can chose to be joyful or allow Satin to use sadness and turn it into a lingering depression. I don't mean to offend people, but we really trust that God can take that sorrow and turn it into joy. I hope you are all well and over the sickness that has clouded the central coast! Get out and enjoy the beautiful warm weather!!
6 comments:
I'm glad you were willing to share your trials. Thanks for talking about something most people wouldn't bring up. Miscarriage was one of the loneliest times in my life. I think it's been good for me to revisit it and see God's hand in my life, even through that time.
Thanks for sharing your heart, Kendall. Praise God that He showed you how to be thankful with all the women who are pregnant now. That is a huge testimony.
Thank you for sharing your trial. I am sure it will be an encouragement to other women. I am going to pray for you now.
Dear God, I lift up Kendall to you and her struggle. I ask that you give her the baby she desires. If this is not your will for her right now, I ask you give her the peace and joy only you can give her. Jesus name Amen
I think ever since Eve, we women are easily deceived. Our emotions are real and normal, but we do let them stir and get twisted. I think our husbands are a gift of God at this point sometimes to break through the deceptions and remind us that we are in a process.
The best thing is to be aware of weakness and therefore not be shocked by it, down at yourself, mad at yourself, but give it over to God each moment praying to have the strength to get up on your feet and do the next thing to love and serve your family. Moving on in serving can be one of the best meds for these emotions. I preach this to myself:).
Thanks for sharing.
i'm finally getting a chance to read this post (i admit i skip over long ones until i have time!). i think i understand what you are saying about choice. i would always struggle with how to get rid of my anxiety until recently. on the cruise, i felt so concerned about a possible miscarriage. so i confided in a spouse of one of mike's co-workers, who i knew was a Christian. she taught me a very useful tool that was perfect for me. it may not be for everyone. basically, what she told me to try, and which i did do, to literally draw a line in the carpet with your foot. and with all the authority given to you by God, through Jesus and the Holy spirit, tell satan that he is no longer allowed to cross that line, no longer allowed to attack your thoughts or tempt you toward anxiety (or whatever it is you are dealing with). then you tell him if he ever dares to cross that line, you will beat him back with God's word and God's promises.
it may seem a little silly, but it was finally the thing that helped me take control of my anxiety. sure, anxious thoughts are sin, and thus my responsibility. but satan loves to use that to tempt you to even greater anxiety. calling upon God's power, i finally felt confident enough in having God on my side, and feeling the power of the Holy Spirit within me as God promises, to essentially tell off satan. God will never make us suffer alone, and He will always provide a way out.
I have been slowly learning more and more about suffering, and the amazing place it has in the Christian life. About the Sovereignty of God, and how although I say I believe it, I don't really trust that he is in control, or good.
What helps is saying it is true, even though my heart does not feel it.
I read stories like that too..and they affect me so deeply...imagine the weight of the worlds sufferings that Jesus felt on the cross, and the abandonment of his own Father in those moments?
Makes me realize he has been through the darkest hour and has truly known suffering when I ask him where he is.
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