hahaha..I'm soo a mom!

I was just rereading my blog last night and yes ladies, I do know the difference between satin and Satan! Wow! Not quite the same are they? I sometimes get passionate about what I'm writing (or saying) and become so focused on saying it right and trying to translate what's in my mind to paper (or screen). I hope I'm not the only one...I some times struggle in writing eloquently and in wisdom. Things that inspire me or consume me I have a hard time articulating so that you can understand it since you can't hear my voice and tones...does that make sense? It sounds all wonderful then I read what I've written, and I may come across as condemning or judgemental, harsh and not sympathetic. This isn't really worth writing about, I just thought I would let you all know I had a simple typo and I DO know the difference!! I'm so silly!

Well ladies, I cannot wait to see you all at the tea in the morning!!.....and Christina, I cannot wait to hear your testimony! If you are anything like me then it will be a little emotional and it will come out slightly different then what you have written! It will be exactly what God wants us to learn from your oozzing wisdom:)

oh..and p.s. just in case any of you were concerned for us(me) in that last blog, please don't be alarmed that I wrote about Andrea Yates. It was simply her tragic story that helped me to realize how blessed I am and how grateful I should be(in this season of infertility and miscarriages)! We are coming upon a new season of spring; and a new season of growth, joy, trials, triumphs, and rejuvenation, where God has renewed my spirit and my joy in Him!! This is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it! Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice!!

Forgive me...I'm lame!

Second today...sooo sorry guys! I'm sure you'll all be cross eyed...or cross at me:(However, I just received this thoughtful award and it would be rude of me to wait another week or two to blog on it! so #2 here we go!!

How sweet is this gal! Alicia...you are too kind, really! My good friend Alicia wrote some really thoughtful things about a lady who sounds nice and she happened to drop my name in...you may be mistaken my friend! But thank you....sincerely, thank you! I was hesitant to start a blog, but as I told Christina this is my secret obsession; reading fellow mommies blogs about daily struggles and triumphs, recipes and thoughts! What a blessing you terrific ladies are and what sweet fellowship we share...so thank you!

I think in keeping with the tradition of this award, I'm supposed to give to other lovely ladies..one problem!! All my girlfriends have been awarded this previously! So, I will write about them, and if you all chose to re-post it kudos! Also, though I don't have many blogger friends yet, I would still choose these ladies...reasons...They love the Lord and desire to honor Him in all their actions and relationships...They are all married and they teach me more and more how to be a loving wife to Rex. They are all mothers...and they are amazing mothers! The ones with older (and multiple) children home school and have taught me sooo much by there example and by there time in teaching me..They are also really great friends. You know when you come to the table, lay it all out there, they will be loving, they will be compassionate, and they will be true...to God's Word. I have confidence that each lady would redirect me to the Bible in an instant if I was struggling...so I praise God for each lady listed!

1. Alicia ...This wonderful woman has brought so much perspective to our ladies Bible study group. Every week I find myself waiting to hear what she has to say and then go home and replay the wisdom she spoke, in my mind. It's amazing to me, that through trials, God reveals so much to us about himself and during certain trials this woman grew spiritually right before our eyes and it was such a testimony to me and my family. I love you Alicia and my family thanks God often for your family!

2. Kristen ....is a relatively newer friend and instantly I knew there would a blossoming friendship. This girl is amazing. Really! Shes got two young boys and another on the way and has had a few tragic circumstances this year...all pretty big ones....and she has responded so well to them all.. she is so filled with the Fruit of the Spirit! You can't help but want to know God more intimately. She is also super creative and really easy to talk to. The type you can pour your heart out too and feel loved! We have also had so many similar situations it's always great to hear another moms perspective on the same circumstance you have gone through.. I'm excited to continue to grow this friendship with you!

3. Christina is one of those ladies that just seem to have it all together (I'm sure she'll disagree, but this is my blog...) Our friendship is still fresh as well, but it feels like I've always known her! She has a very peaceful and warm feel about her. I always look forward to seeing her at church. She is so encouraging and always seems to be joyful..I don't think I've ever seen a frown on her face..yet:) She also is very clever and crafty. I love love love your floral wreathes and floral arrangements in vases! Beautiful!!

4. Katy is a really neat gal too. She used to attend our church, but then left us (I kid, she moved!) so we have kind of lost touch until Blog world! So I am really excited about rekindling our friendship! She also has a little boy and baby girl on the way!! Many, many congratulations to your family!!! Katy has a great fashion sense and has decorated her home so lovely..she really "green" or Eco-friendly (which I totally applaud and am a huge fan of...she's hard core!! She has also started her own business and is great on the sewing machine...she's pretty much the "whole package" so to speak:) She really has a heart that loves God and she tends to her family sooo well! She and her hubby are also super cute together...and really competitive in sports (I strongly suggest you don't play badminton couple vs. couple!!)



and if this lady had one I'd for sure pick her...and even though she doesn't...she's getting one..because I know she reads blogs!! and I simply adore her!!....drum roll please.......
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5. Tricia W....the more I get to know this fine woman, the more I learn about Gods attributes and His blessings to His children...and I certainly want to be a woman that makes others learn those things! This lady is so generous with her time, though she has a busy schedule. Thoughtful with her words, she is loving to her husband and children, very responsible with their finances and so eager to help others. I just love this gal and...I'm hoping soon, Tricia, you will be joining the blog world..if I can do it.. you for sure can!

There are also a few other ladies I would love to list..but they don't blog and I don't think they read them either...so I'll mail them a letter and let them know how grateful I am for them! Whew...long day in the blog world... signing off!

growing family

So, if you are reading this blog, then we are more than likely great friends and you know the story! Brace yourself....it's a long one today!

Since about the time Brady was about 8 mths old, we have been trying to add to our family! A month before his 1st birthday we lost our second baby in a miscarriage, and then in November again, we lost another precious baby. It was a pretty lonely and sad time for our little family. I struggled, not because I didn't trust Gods perfect plan, but because we so desired another child. My first nephew Benjamin Drew was born 12 days after our last miscarriage and he couldn't have arrived at a better time! God is so good to distract us from our self pity some times and this boy did just that! He helped my healing process move along...how anyone could hold him and still be distraught is beyond me.. but then after a few more months of trying, that sadness re-birthed itself. I hadn't had any problem conceiving...well, ever!! So this was new to me.

2007 was a year of no pregnancies...the first time since my first pregnancy with Jaden in 2002 and since getting married in 2004. This bewildered Rex and I...we were prepared for miscarriages(as awful as that sounds, it was true)..but we were not prepared to be barren for over a year...That was totally weird and to be completely honest devastating! You really learn how little control you have over you own life after 3 miscarriages and 1 1/2 years of infertility..and that is a comfort to me! To know that the timing of our children is one less thing I can control (I say that as if I really have much to do with Gods sovereignty...make sense??) and again, if you know me you'll know I love to be in control! That is now a big comfort to me though, to know that the number of children and the way they are delivered to our family is determined by God! So, if we are in the same circle of friends/family you will know that a lot of ladies are pregnant...my sweet nephew Benji will be a big brother in late August/early Sept. and our cousin Trixie is expecting her first baby in early August!! Not to mention the bajillion (slight exaggeration!!) ladies/girlfriends who are also pregnant!!! I am at a place...TODAY were I am so excited for all of these wonderful ladies...so excited and I rejoice with them!

We do not own a TV(by choice..we've had a couple of friends offer us a TV lately!!) so we read the news on the Internet, and the other day I thought I'd catch up on the election and politics..well, there was a horrific article about a mother who drowned her three children (ages 18mths,4 and 6) AND she had been visited several times by the Department of Social Services (this is my recollection.. so maybe check it out to make sure!) Anyway, the article referred to Andrea Yates drowning her 5 children in 2001. Now, when this happened I was in high school, so while this story was clearly devastating, it hadn't penetrated and hit home..

I clicked on the link, because I knew the name but couldn't recall what she had done. I started to read this article and it had her "testimony" during her debriefing after being taken into custody. It gave her entire account of her morning from eating cereal with her children, sending her husband off to work to the very methods and specific details to murdering her children. It literally made me sick. I was sobbing and it just made me sick to my stomach. Andy came in to check on me and I told him what I had just read. I couldn't wait for the computer to follow instructions, so I quickly pushed the blue button and it turned off. I was some how repulsed by the computer too?! I immediately felt compelled to go pray over my precious sons and thank God for entrusting them to us. I also asked God for forgiveness for all the different emotions (spured from past depression) I have displayed in front of my children (whether it was being short/impatient or grumpy with the boys, staying in jammies all day, eating frosting for the can as a meal, or watching movie after movies after movie...this was more before Brady was born after our first loss). As terribly awful and horrific as the events of that day was, it opened my eyes to Gods grace(yet again!) I realized as I read about Andrea (who was a professed believer, who home schooled her children, was active in her church and she also suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to their 6mth old Mary) that maybe she did love her children immensely at one point and she was overcome by this PPD and Satin just just slowly turned her heart and she became that woman because she had turned her hope into hopelessness..does that make sense?!(this is simply my perspective and opinion...not trying to speak for anyone at all!!)

That hit home and penetrated my heart. Here was a gal who tried to manage her home, her family, her homeschooling and her PPD....and I could semi relate (SEMI to the sadness overwhelming you and changing you/personality). After each miscarriage, my heart ached, because that is one child we will never get to hold or play with, one child who won't get to rough house with our other children, one child that we will never(on earth) get to see their personality and character and one that you we had in your life for 13 weeks in my womb. With our miscarriages, I would cry, gather myself then take my baby and myself to the ER for ultrasounds and my RhoGAM (I'm O-neg blood type). It is a very impersonal and unemotional event...and painful. Then you come home still in pain and sad. I tend to be one to let that sadness take over me.

This is tricky to write out..I feel for me personally, my depression after losing each baby was a choice. I mourned and cried , and Rex and I struggled, but then (I feel) I also let Satin use that and it would start to linger. I thought about how much Andrea could have at one point loved her children. I thought about how I don't want to give Satin a foot hold in my life (depression) and that is an easy one for him to use. He can use our sorrow and turn it into depression and start to twist our minds and play games..he can make us doubt ourselves as women, mothers, wives, teachers, friends, etc...and in doubting ourselves and becoming depressed, (speaking for myself here!) I am not trusting God, that His plan for my life is perfect and that He will/can carry me through this pain. That he has entrusted these precious TWO children to us, that he WILL equip me daily with the knowledge to home school and with the patience to be loving with my responses to my sweet little boys. I really feel like by me being upset or jealous over these fellow sisters having babies, I am robbing myself of the joy I can be sharing in their pregnancies. I can/have been praying about this and God is comforting me and teaching me to choose joy and not self pity. I can choose to be joyful and not depressed. This doesn't mean I won't still mourn that right now I can't have a baby, I'm still sad. But I won't let it consume me. I will choose to be grateful, content and joyful for the two boys and amazing and supportive husband I have!

So while I know this was somewhat a morbid topic, I hope you find joy and comfort in it knowing that God is perfect and His plan is perfect for each person and each family....and while it isn't the one that you or I had in mind, it is wonderful knowing that anything you or I can do, He can do better:) ...trying to be cute there, but really, find comfort in knowing that we are not in control...another positive thinking moment (from Rex!) now if we do get pregnant, it will be a true surprise!

Whew that was draining! Ladies, pllease know, that I am not speaking for anyone except myself and Rex when I said I feel I can chose to be joyful or allow Satin to use sadness and turn it into a lingering depression. I don't mean to offend people, but we really trust that God can take that sorrow and turn it into joy. I hope you are all well and over the sickness that has clouded the central coast! Get out and enjoy the beautiful warm weather!!